scottsimpson.net

Open Letter to Sarah Palin

Oh, Sarah Palin. You don't know me, and I've never met you, but you seem to be in the news a lot lately. So I thought I'd write to you. Don't get me wrong, I don't support you in your bid to be [Vice] President of the United States (let's be honest, your running mate is not terribly long for this world) but with the same basic civility I extend to King George, if you win, I will congratulate you in a polite manner. Not just anyone can manage to get themselves into the Oval Office. Or can they? We shall see. In all fairness, the Constitution doesn't mention that the President has to be any good, they just have to be at least 35 and born in the United States. In nine years, I will be eligible to be President, as well. But that's another story.

Let's get started.

You remind me of the girl in my first Ethics course that announced that abortion was wrong because your god said so, and refused on principle to elaborate. You have less political experience than many of my professors. You look kind of stoned. I do, however, like your hair and glasses. They remind me of a kindergarten teacher.

You think that the existential status of a few cells is the same as that of a fully grown person. You're friends with an imaginary sky-man. Your church seems a tad anti-Semitic. Obama's church seems a tad extreme as well, but I'll go ahead and call that one a draw. If I ran for [Vice] President, I'm sure the media would pick up on the fact that some of my friends have odd opinions as well. You support opening oil-drilling in areas of the country that would need years of development, and would make almost no discernible impact on the price of oil. Your supporters chanted, "Drill! Drill! Drill!". And that's just classy.

You claim to be qualified in foreign relations because you live near Russia. I live near the ocean, Mexico, a nuclear [nook-lee-ur] power plant, and a television broadcast station. But I am not an oceanographer, a Latin American expert, a physicist, or an actor. My degree in International Security makes me only very slightly qualified to comment on foreign policy issues. I may be more formally qualified in this area than you are. You suggested that you thought Henry Kissinger was naïve. He knows about Russia. Maybe you should ask him about it.

In every interview I've seen you give, you manage to not answer any of the questions asked of you. I understand that this is par for the course for politicians, but at least when Obama skirts questions, I think, "wow, what a good politician, he totally talked his way around that one". Telling Katie Couric that you'll do some digging and get back to her is a position acceptable for actors discussing their upcoming movie, not for someone seeking the [second] highest political position in the nation. Have you met John McCain? Do you know how he voted on anything? Wikipedia might be a good place to start. Or the Google.

I must confess that I am unfamiliar with the ferociousness and tenacity of hockey moms. I am somewhat aware of these characteristics in soccer moms, but perhaps hockey is so far superior a sport that fans of it are qualified to lead nations. Someone must tell Europe about this immediately. Imagine all of the qualified politicians that Canada must have waiting in the wings and on the bleachers.

From the first time I saw you speak at the Republican National Convention, I became convinced that your party seems to think that the nation wants a Jerry Springer presidency. Next up on Springer: My teenage daughter is pregnant and I told her to keep it. Her boyfriend is a druggie, so he's being shipped off to Iraq.

So, I have a question for you. Are you:

a) some kind of running SNL gag, like how Sascha Cohen used to go around in public as Borat?
b) blackmailing John McCain because you have some really interesting dirt on him?
c) serious?